Raising Girls

I’ve been thinking recently (as I do from time to time) about the blessing and responsibility of raising daughters.  I don’t think I really considered how weighty it would feel before I became a mother to girls.  But once my first daughter was born, I began to get a sense of what a responsibility we have as parents to raise children (boys and girls) who understand, at the very basic level,  their own incredible value.  My hope is that my children (my daughters and my son) understand how very intelligent, talented, creative, unique, and beautiful they are.  I want them to start there – to have a sense of self and to be secure in it. Because it’s from that place, I believe,  that they can live uninhibited without the compulsion to oppress others or allowing themselves to be manipulated or oppressed by others.

But what terrifies me, what weighs so heavy, is that in my experience of  world we live in – our culture, our society’s values – I think my son will be more likely to grow up with confidence than my girls. And it breaks my heart and makes me mad and inspires me to be all the more proactive about what my daughters believe about themselves.  Before I go on, let me clarify:  as much as I am aware of it, and to that extent, I do my damndest to parent my children irrespective of sex.  We don’t categorize activities, play, or privileges based on gender:  Joaquin gets his toenails painted if he requests it and has his own baby dolls to parent, and the girls play with cars and go fishing and play football.  But as much I know that Jake and I are a powerful influence on our children and their beliefs about themselves, we don’t live in a bubble (although sometimes I wish we did).  And I’m flabbergasted at the lies and manipulative power of  toy companies, and clothing retailers and the average Joe American who we relate to on a daily basis.  How is it they feel empowered to decide what my girls’ most valuable assets are and tell them how they should use them, or how they should feel about themselves because of them?  I notice how often my girls are praised for their beauty, but my son is praised for his intelligence or goodness. The selection of clothes for girls at any given store makes me a bit nauseous in part from their inescapable pinkness (don’t even get me started on color-coding kids based on gender), but mostly because of the over sexualization of girls, and women for that matter, in the US .  And then there’s the more blatant messages in what the clothes actually say .

I guess it really all boils down to the messages my daughters receive about who they aspire to be and who they believe they are.   It’s really important to me that my girls have confidence in who they are as people, that they believe in their ability to make decisions and solve problems, that they know they are strong and are comfortable in that strength, and they can recognize beauty beyond glittery, fancy dresses and make-up. I feel conflicted every time we go to a little girl’s birthday party, or even when we go play with our friends sometimes.  How much princess stuff will there be?  How will the girls interact with those things?  How much will their play involve being rescued?

And it scares me that our society it trying to put my daughters in a big pink glittery box and telling them to wait there ’til the man of their dreams comes to rescue them.  I’m sick of Disney princesses who’ve all invaded the toy aisle at Target and who’re strategically creeping into our lives communicating the same thing – that if you’re pretty enough, and helpless enough, someday your prince will come and find you.   And as much as I try to resist it my girls are enticed.

How do you raise confident, independent, self-assured girls?  I know it’s not all about the toys they play with or movies they’re exposed to, but all that stuff  certainly plays a role.  I know I sound a bit neurotic or maybe controlling.  And I realize there is a certain amount of my girls’ experience that I can’t control, because it comes from inside them.  But I happen to believe that the messages we send to our daughters and sons as little children change them, influence them, form them in their views about themselves and the world.  So much of who they’ll be is influenced by what they experience in these formative years.  And so it is important that I communicate to them that they are strong, capable, and complete in who they are.  And we do talk about that  - A LOT!!   They’ll probably be rolling their eyes as teenagers when I start the “you’re a capable, intelligent, strong girl”  speech.  But you know, I’m gonna keep saying it, because really who else will?

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