how do i manage it?

Today was a busy day:

• school for the kids despite a crying and whiney Boo – DONE!
• blanch and freeze about 4 heads of broccoli that I harvested Saturday – DONE!
• cut Jake’s hair – DONE!
• shower and pretty up to go take a passport picture – DONE!
• run around to a couple of different places to find a working passport picture camera and take said passport picture – DONE!
• pick up milk – DONE!
• stand in line FOREVER at the post office to mail a few important items – DONE!
• pick up the husband and take him to the airport – DONE!
• in between all these things, send out emails and texts in order to reschedule a class I have to cancel on Thursday – DONE!
• stop and dine out with the kiddos because it has been a crazy busy day and I feel like I deserve a treat for being superwoman for yet another day – DONE!

At dinner, Frida has to use the restroom.  So we go. She walks into her little stall and I pull the door shut.  I can’t even say it’s the first opportunity I’ve had to look at myself today, because I spent a good 10 minutes blowing my hair dry and putting make-up on.  But I guess I can say it’s the first time I’ve looked at the bottom half of my body today.  I look down at myself.  And to my utter embarrassment and shock I realize that the black knit pants that I’ve been wearing ALL DAY are on inside-out! I can see the seam clear as day!  My mind flashes to every. single. place I’ve been today.  The milk lady’s husband looking at me a little strange.  The clerk at office depot taking a second glance my way.  That guy that I saw looking at me and smiling at Kinko’s wasn’t checking me out after all, he was laughing at the girl who had her pants on wrong!  So I guess even superwoman has her moments.   Or maybe she just needs a little bringing back down to earth every once and a while.  I’m down with that.

roses

Okay, can I just tell you how excited I am for this:

 

If you’ve known me for any significant amount of time, you know my love for the Cranberries.  I was introduced to them in 1995 and fell in love with the voice of Dolores O’Riordan. I have spent hours singing along with her at the top of my lungs – imitating her un-imitatable voice.   The Cranberries would most definitely be included in a soundtrack to my life .  Some of my all-time-favorite songs include: Linger, I Can’t Be With You, No Need to Argue, War Child, Forever Yellow Skies, You and Me, Just My Imagination, Analyse, Every Morning…. I seriously love this band.  And Dolores’s voice – just LOVE IT!

And so, after eleven years of silence (from them as a band), I am very much looking forward to being able to listen to new Cranberries music.  And it’s coming in just a few weeks!!!

chacos

My relationship with Chacos began a little over six years ago.  We’d been in El Salvador about two years, and the Tevas that I’d brought there with me were long gone.  I needed sandals I could wear to hike the back roads and that would fit the same way wet or dry (in rainy season, it’s not uncommon to get caught out in the rain).  Because of the warm climate, it felt ridiculous to wear any kind of enclosed shoe.  And so after a bit of research, and some wonderful recommendations, I decided Chacos it would be.  They weren’t as common or as easy to find back then.  I returned to the states on a destination birthday trip to Miami with my life-long friend Amelia, and we spent many hours that week looking for a place that sold Chacos. In fact I had already settled on a pair of Keens and almost wore them the day we traveled down to Key West.  We found my Chacos in a fancy-pants-outdoorsy-boutique-type store there. And I’ve been completely satisfied since day one.  They are my everyday shoes for eighty percent of the year – even here in the states.  I love them because they go with everything (or at least I think they do), and they’re not a wimpy kind of shoe – they actually give your feet the support they need.

The thing is,  I’ve worn them quite a bit in these last six years.  In fact, by last fall, they were pretty run down.  The sole started peeling away from the top part of the sandal.  And if I would have stopped wearing them, I could probably have sent them back to get re-soled (which is a cool environmental thing Chacos does so we don’t over-consume).  In fact, I feel slightly guilty that I didn’t do this.  Instead I kept wearing them until part of my sandals wore down past the sole (a point of no return for re-soleing purposes).  I’ve been pining for a new pair since October, but just couldn’t bring myself to fork out the big bucks for them.  Until this evening.  I decided, enough is enough.  I need my sandals.  You might be questioning my need for sandals in February.  And in some parts of the world, you might be right.  But here in Texas, it will be Chaco weather in a couple of weeks.  And I’ll be the girl in the black strappy ones.  Yay me!

the kind queen (sometimes)

 

It’s crazy how much I see myself in my children.  And it scares me sometimes how my actions, my words, my way of doing things significantly influence all those things in them.  There are lots of times when I beam with pride as I watch Sis check on one of her friends who’s sad because she has such keen sensitivity allowing her to put their worries above her own needs or desires.  Or  when I see brother just loving on people because why else do you feel love if not to show it? But there are lots of times I feel the very opposite of pride.  Like when I watch Boo, overwhelmed with anger, scream and hit, scratch and yell.  Or when Brother  barks and bosses his sisters into next year because how else do you get them to do what you want?  The icing on the cake is when he employs counting, “Sis, I’ll give you ’til three: one, two….”  Where’d he get that anyway?

And on days like today I pray that they pick up more of the good than the stuff I’m ashamed of.  I hope Boo forgets how horribly I growled at her for getting in my way while I was working out as she attempted to work out alongside me.  I hope Sis forgets how loud I yelled when I wanted her to listen to me.  I find myself apologizing to them a lot on days like today.

“I love you so much. And I’m so sorry I treated you like that.   That was wrong.  I don’t want to be like that anymore.  I will work hard to be different.”

Today, as I apologized to Boo, Sis reminded me of something she’d said last week.   We went to the children’s theater and the play was about two sisters.  The king was looking for a queen and both were invited to come before him.  One of the sisters was selfish and conniving, but the other was loving and kind.  Of course the king chose the second.  Afterwards we were talking about why she was chosen.  I was emphasizing her goodness because Frida often focuses on outward beauty (dresses, hair, jewelry, shoes).  I said that a true queen or princess (because she often prefers to be this) is loving and kind.  And it was then that she said, like only a child can, “Mom, you’re sometimes a kind queen, but sometimes you’re mean.”   At the time I acknowledged the truth in what she said, but I told her I try really hard to be kind.  And as she reminded me of my wicked queen tendencies today, I felt ashamed.  I hugged her.  I told that that it’s true.  Mommy messed up today.  I reminded her of how much I love her and of my commitment to keep choosing kindness. Of course she turned on her heel and was back to her game before I’d even fully processed our exchange.

On days like today it is helpful to pause, breathe,  reflect, and of course cry a little.   I recognize that just as my children are formed and defined by all the wonderful things I do, I know that my faults rub off on them too (and form them and change them).  I am an woman far from perfect.  That is my confession.  But I am also a woman full of hope.  I have hope that tomorrow will be different from today.  I have hope in grace – that even though I fail sometimes, we’re not all going to hell in a hand basket.  I have hope in the kindness and love, creativity and joy that my children bring to me, our family, our friends, and this world.  And I have hope in God’s power to transform me (a little at a time) into a kind queen (all the time).  At least, that is my prayer.

a fleeting moment

I was driving home from the store.  I think I’d gone to pick up a few craft items for class the next day.  I was in my second year of teaching 6th grade Language Arts at a middle school in Austin.  It was an evening in early spring, so the weather was not yet crazy-Texas-hot.  Jake and I were on the verge of engagement.    As I drove back to my apartment, I rolled down the window and lit a cigarette. I took a long drag and exhaled.  I stuck my hand out window and floated it on the wind as it blew into my car, into my face and through my hair.  I remember that moment so vividly because suddenly I was overcome by an overwhelming appreciation for my life.  I started to cry .  I felt like my heart was going to explode, it was so full of love and passion and every good thing that I’d seen in my young life up to that point.  I felt so grateful to be alive and living a life I loved.

And  the next day was one of the most hellish of my teaching career – complete with a failing lesson and a student standing outside my portable after screaming at me with the mother of all expletives. I went home that day in tears struggling to dig deep inside myself for the strength to return and stand in front of my students the next day.

It’s crazy how I remember it like it was yesterday even though it was like twelve years ago. I think it sticks because of the incredible juxtaposition of emotions from one  day to the next. How does that happen?  But in my life, it seems like that’s the way these things do happen.

Yesterday I was meeting a friend at the park. It was a gorgeous day.  The sun was shining, the kids were clean, I was actually wearing make-up.  On the way, we were listening to music, my music, with the volume up.  And the same kind of feeling caught hold of me.    It’s like thankfulness overtook my entire being. I was smiling from ear-to-ear, eyes brimming with tears, as I sang Closer to Fine at the top of my lungs with the Indigo Girls.  My heart felt full of all the goodness, love, and passion I’ve experienced in my life.

And then, when I returned  home, I had an interesting (I’m still trying to figure out words for it) exchange with my husband.  Somehow during a routine afternoon debrief, I lost all the satisfaction and hope I felt just hours before.   I was in tears several times last night.  I felt guilty, angry, and disappointed.  I questioned who I am and how I live my life.  I felt completely knocked down. [As an aside, and to be fair, after talking through it with JC, I realize I misunderstood much of what he said during that conversation.]

Maybe all this speaks to my emotional volatility.  I can own that to a certain degree. I’m a lot more up-and-down than anyone I know.   But that’s not really the point. My point  is that even though they inevitably come paired with some really low lows, those fleeting moments of feeling utterly fantastic and completely satisfied are beautifully inspiring. I’m thankful that I can occasionally  glimpse a depth of love that is mystifying and so much bigger than myself.